Lucy

The following is an excerpt from an emergency call from Al's Omniflick to 911 Cinema Emergency. It is reproduced here verbatim.

AL

(Desperate, as if out of breath)

Hello...Hello?!

Person on Phone

Yes, 9-1-1 Cinema Emergency, how can we help you?

AL

Yeah, I think I just saw a Luc Besson movie and I'm having trouble breathing.

911

How can you be sure, sir?

AL

Huh...what? What do you mean?

911

I mean, how do you know it was a Luc Besson movie causing your symptoms?

AL

What the hell else would it be?!

911

You need to calm down sir. At this time of year, any number of movies or directors could be causing your symptoms.

AL

Really?

911

Yes, especially lately. You don't know how many callers have complained about Michael Bay Delirium.

AL

What is that; is there really such a thing?

911

Of course, it always happens with the release of any of his films. People with normal intelligence experience oxygen-loss in their brains. Because of The Transformers, we've been inundated with calls. The problem is, not only do people need immediate medical attention, they also want their money back. That we just don't do.

AL

Geez...I'm glad I skipped that one.

911

Yeah, you'll be glad you did. The people who actually enjoy his movies have a special immunity to the Delirium; we think it's due to a severe gray-matter deficiency. Funny, his fans seem to be happy that way. Can't figure that one. Anyway...back to your problem.

AL

Oh...yeah, my problem. Luc Besson.

911

Yes, so let me determine if it's a true Luc Besson problem. Were there women in either mini-skirts or tube dresses?

AL

Hey...yeah, now that you mention it, Scarlett Johansson was wearing a tube dress at one point in the film.

911

And high heels?

AL

Of course.

911

Was she holding a gun at any time?

AL

Yes, and often, as a matter of fact.

911

Did you experience an appalling lack of character development, with senseless shooting and mayhem?

AL

Yeah, yeah, I did!

911

Sir, I hate to say this, but yes, you have just seen a Luc Besson film and worse, you actually paid for it. Can you describe the plot for me? Wait...let me just say this in case anyone is listening in on the conversation: **Spoiler Alert**

AL

I'll try. You see, Scarlett Johansson plays this young woman named Lucy who happens to be studying in Taipei, Taiwan, though I don't know what. Her friend, a seedy-looking slob, tricks her into giving a suitcase--which he says are papers--to someone named Mr. Jang inside an office building. When a gaggle of armed gunmen come down to the lobby to meet her, they shoot her friend, force her into an elevator and the next thing she knows she is being held captive by said Mr. Jang, a local crime lord.

911

Doesn't sound so bad so far.

AL

Let me finish...Though Lucy fears for her life after seeing dead bodies in Mr. Jang's office, we learn that he has recruited her (to put it lightly) and three men to be drug mules. Lucy had just been knocked unconcious by one of Mr. Jang's thugs and upon awakening, she finds her lower left abdomen wrapped in bandages. Turns out they have already placed the contraband inside her and have done the same to the others. While spending time in a cell, a guard who tries to get jiggy with Lucy is rebuffed, which enrages him, leading to some vicious kicks to the area where the drug is sown up. She begins to feel funny shortly thereafter. We see the interior of her body, where the plastic bag holding the drug has been perforated, causing the substance to seep into her bloodstream. She discovers, after shaking violently, that she has heightened, super-hero like agility and intellect, which allow her to kill her captors and escape the building.

911

Still doesn't sound too bad.

AL

Yeah, well, let me continue. Anyway, Lucy forces a cabby at gunpoint to drive her to a hospital. Once there, she coerces a surgeon to remove the bag from her body, which hasn't totally lost its blue contents. When the doctor asks her what the drug is, she says it's CHP4--I think I got that right--which is a substance pregnant women's bodies manufacture to accelerate the fetus' bone and body growth inside the womb. As the doctor explains, the chemical's effect on the fetus is like an atom bomb.

911

So let me guess, the drug enhances her intellect, allowing her to access the 90% of the brain we don't use, right?

AL

Not right away. The film's intertitles keep a tally on how much of her brain she is actually using, which climbs as the story progresses. The film actually begins with a lecture, given by a Professor named Norman (Morgan Freeman), who has a theory he has posited about what we might experience if we were to gain access to unused regions of the brain. What he suggests is pure hokum. If you didn't already know, the whole idea about humans using only 10% of their brains is a myth, but then again, this is a Besson film.

911

I've dealt with enough Besson cases to know how it proceeds from here. Lucy wants to find the other mules to prevent distribution of CHP4, so she uses her new extraordinary powers, heigtened memory and perception to track them. Was there also a scene where she's typing feverishly, absorbing data at a computer's pace?

AL

Yeah...on a plane and not just on one laptop but two!

911

Look, I don't want to go on all night about the plot but does she retrieve the drug and find the professor and gain 100% brain power?

AL

Yeah, she finds the stuff and has to elude Mr. Jang and his minions when they come to Paris looking for the drug. She also dazzles the Professor and his colleagues with some superhuman shenanigans.

911

Anything cool happen when she hits 100%?

AL

Yeah, kind of. She experiences reverse time travel, which allows her to cross the far reaches of space to the origins of the universe, which should have been a breathtaking sequence but really just rips-off the infinity trip from 2001: A Space Odyssey and some Terrence Malick stuff from The Tree of Life.

911

And what wisdom or divine knowledge does she glean from her experience? Anything mind-boggling?

AL

(sighing)

Not really. When the film began, we heard Lucy say offscreen that we've had life on the planet for a billion years. She then asks, what have we done with it? At the end, she repeats the question, as if to give us profound food for thought, but it really comes off as a freshmen college student's lame philosophy thesis. Her last message, before she vanishes into the great beyond, or wherever the hell she goes, is I AM EVERYWHERE.

911

Is he kidding with that crap?

AL

What, I thought you were used to this stuff from Besson?

911

Yeah, but that's even too trite for a hack such as he. (Pause) Are you feeling better now?

AL

I guess a little. Will this scary feeling of asphyxiation go away?

911

Yeah, all you really needed was to talk it through. But in the meantime, you should watch an Orson Welles flick or maybe some Bunuel, if you have any.

AL

Thanks, I will.

911

Have you learned your lesson?

AL

No, probably not. I'm sure I'll forget and find myself paying to see Besson's next one, whenever that might be.

911

Oh, brother. You cinephiles are all the same: as thick as bricks. Before I go, do you have an Al's Omniflick t-shirt for my troubles?

AL

T-shirt?! Geez-Louise, I just started this thing back in February. Can you at least wait until I have 10,000 hits before we start talking about t-shirts?

911

Alright, nevermind.

We hear the definitive sound of a phone connection disrupted.

Director: Luc Besson/Starring: Scarlett Johansson and Morgan Freeman