Mother's Day

**Spoiler Alert**

Director: Garry Marshall/Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, Kate Hudson, Jason Sudeikis, Timothy Olyphant, Britt Robertson, Hector Elizondo, Margo Martindale, Robert Pine, Aasif Mandvi and Ella Anderson

I know what you're probably thinking; why the hell see any Garry Marshall movie when his last two holiday movies; New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day sucked tragically? Truth be known, I've seen everything else at the theaters and I needed one last posting for the month. Better movies await me in May but since I spilled clams for this nonsense, I may as well say something about it. But what can one express about any Garry Marshall movie, particularly Mother's Day, except to say it belongs on cable TV, a trans-oceanic flight or someplace where it can help an insomniac or anesthetize a PTSD person?
At the screening I attended, a passel of geriatrics showed up; probably hoping to see something inoffensive, mildly amusing and profanity-free. The film meets most of those criteria (only a few swear words) but what I found really surprising is that Marshall's so-called comedy couldn't even make the old folks laugh (well, maybe they chuckled once).

Like the aforementioned movies in this trilogy (geez, I hope it's only a trilogy), Marshall crowds his story with multiple characters and multiple narrative threads though even a spider monkey in a coma could plot out every story-line knowing little about the characters. Plot-twists and unexpected story developments aren't Marshall's forte.

The characters are as follows:

Sandy (Jennifer Aniston) and Henry (Timothy Olyphant-wasted badly here) are an attractive forty-something couple in the throes of divorce. Sandy hopes of reconciliation are dashed when Henry surprises her with news of his elopement to a young, sexy twenty-something. The conflict here is Sandy's insecurity about becoming marginalized as her two sons find living with their dad and his new wife irresistible. Of course Henry's attractive new wife is another source of anxiety for her, as is being single.

Jesse (Kate Hudson) is married to an Indian/American named Russell (Aasif Mandvi); a fact her semi-estranged and slightly bigoted parents; Flo (Margo Martindale) and Earl (Robert Pine) are unaware of. Complicating the matter are Jesse and Russell's two children and her sister/next door neighbor Gabi (Sarah Chalke); who is hiding a secret of her own; namely her marriage to a woman. The fact that Flo and Earl have surprised Jesse, Russell and Gabi with a visit should be fertile territory for some laughs and comic situations. Never happens. Flo and Earl are one-dimensional, lazily-drawn southern stereotypes whose bigotry should be cause for drama rather than laughs.

Miranda (Julia Roberts) is the hostess of her own successful home-shopping channel. Single and childless, her connection to another character is revealed later in the film. There is very little else one need know about her.

Bradley (Jason Sudeikis; frittering time away here) is a widower whose late wife Dana (cameo by Jennifer Garner) died while serving as a Marine in Afghanistan (the fact that she was a soldier is a shameless ploy to tug on our heartstrings). His conflict is being a single parent and a father to two daughters; one of whom is a teenager who shows a burgeoning interest in boys, which brings Bradley untold anxiety.

Kristin (Britt Robertson) and Zack (Jake Whitehall); are a young, twenty-something couple with a kid. Though Kristin is happy with Zack, she has yet to commit to marriage, which he is only too happy to consummate. Zack, meanwhile, pursues a career as a stand-up comic (his stage routine is bland) when he isn't tending bar. The movie seems to forget at times these two characters exist; abandoning them for long stretches, only to return to them when we're long past caring about them. It is also revealed that Kristin was adopted and has an opportunity to meet her biological mother. The identity of said mother is withheld until later, which is supposed to be a shocking revelation.

Of course the various characters tend to intermingle at times; Sandy socializes with Kristin and Jesse at the park while the children frolic. Bradley runs into Sandy at a supermarket when a cashier runs a price-check on his daughter's tampons (this gag is old; it was funnier in Mr. Mom years ago, when it was original), which gives them the opportunity to meet-cute.

Having a crude understanding of the characters shouldn't keep you from knowing where the paved narrative trails will lead. For instance, which two single people will most likely end up together? Match a single mom with a motherless young woman. Which characters might they be? Will the bigoted hicks from the south become enlightened and accept their in-laws? If you don't where the movie will go, you've dozed off or just don't care enough to pay attention, or both.

Being a Garry Marshall film, one knows the story will have all the edges of a cotton ball. Marshall ensures no one will be offended or upset or have to think much. I guess we're supposed to just enjoy watching a parade of stars try to turn lint into gold thread. If the situations can't be original or inspired, why can't the humor be humorous?

No one seems to be able to rise above the mundane material. Hector Elizondo can be very amusing if given something good to work with but here he can only make do with crusts of bread. Timothy Olyphant seems all wrong for this kind of movie; he needs something darker and more dramatic to be truly affective. Though some cast members deserve better; others, like femme-hacks Kate Hudson, Jennifer Aniston and Julia Roberts, seem like ideal choices for this unfunny, crushingly dull, tenaciously empty-headed comedy/drama.

It's impossible to say anything good about the film, or at least something that isn't snarky so I'll leave it alone and let my mind purge the movie from my memory, which should take only...let's see...another second...there. Done.

Tomorrowland

**Spoiler Alert**

Director: Brad Bird/Starring: George Clooney, Britt Robertson, Hugh Laurie, Raffey Cassidy, Tim McGraw, Kathryn Hahn and Keegan-Michael Peel

It's hard to say whether Tomorrowland is a Disney flick or director Brad Bird's film because at times it seems the futuristic city seen therein is little more than a re-imagined DisneyWorld. The film also seems like a plug for its theme parks. Even in a scene where a child named Frank Walker (Thomas Robinson) walks into the 1964 World's Fair with his jet-pack prototype, we see Disney's It's A Small World exhibit, replete with the signature song. Talk about a product placement! And try as this talented director (Ratatouille, The Incredibles), might, I couldn't help but feel that the film was nothing more than a story smothered in a corporate infomercial. But we may give ample credit to Bird for pulling a mildly watchable (remember my mantra: mildly watchable can never be equated with good) story from a George Clooney-hosted theme park ride.

But the film takes a shot at a story, as a young woman named Casey Newton (Britt Robertson) tries desperately to prevent a NASA launch pad from being dismantled. Her father, Eddie Newton (Tim McGraw); a NASA engineer, is facing unemployment after his project is complete. During one late night stealth mission on the grounds (is NASA security so lax?), Casey is caught and arrested. Freed on bail, she collects her belongings at the police station, only to find a button with a prominent "T" on the face. Upon touching it, she is instantly transported to a wheat-field where she sees the Oz-like skyline of Tomorrowland; a futuristic city gleaming on the horizon. But Casey also finds that she is transported back to our world when she lets go of the button. The phenomenon naturally startles her and when she tries to demonstrate it for her already angry father on the way home from jail, it fails to work for him.

Finding a large field in which to re-activate her button, she is able to re-visit Tomorrowland and wander around the city. She sees people zipping around in high-tech jet packs, monorails gliding through the air without actual rails and many other wonders which leave the visitor dazzled. Unfortunately she also finds a miniature, digital readout on the button that is rapidly counting down to zero. When it does just that, she is transported back to our world and unable to reactivate the button.

Through her sleuthing, she finds the pin is actually a replica of one sold at the 1964 World's Fair. Her brother locates a store in Houston that carries the pin, which she travels to while her father believes her to be on a camping trip. The place that carries it is a funky, sci-fi collectible establishment run by two offbeat characters played by Kathryn Hahn and the Keegan-Michael Peel. They immediately become suspicious when she shows them her pin and when she tries to leave they lock the door before targeting her with high-tech blasters. As she races through the aisles trying to elude them, a young girl named Athena (Raffey Cassidy) arrives to dispatch the two owners, who we learn are actually robots. Athena warns Casey they need to hurry away before dangerous operatives arrive who intend to kill her. As the two escape, Athena tells Casey the operatives have been sent by a man named Nix who is intent on tracking down the "chosen"; those who have been invited to Tomorrowland via the pin.

Athena suggests Casey visit a previous occupant of Tomorrowland; a man since exiled from the place for inventing something deemed very dangerous though what it is isn't immediately divulged. When Athena drops (almost literally) Casey on the driveway of said inventor, she approaches his unprepossessing abode, only to find he has no intention of allowing her in. When she tricks him and gains entry, she finds his home is a paranoiac's dream; surveillance gew-gaws and computers galore and an advanced security system. The man; Frank Walker (George Clooney), who we saw as little boy in the 1964 World's Fair; learns why Casey has shown up at his doorstep. He also discovers Nix's operatives have discovered his hideout. Frank and Casey manage to escape with the help of his ingenious techno-wizardry but not before Nix's thugs violently renovate his home.

In time, Frank explains that a machine of his design previously used to show people the possibilities of the future has since been re-purposed to show people disasters and war and everything negative. As a consequence, humanity is overcome by its own dark vision of the future, making it necessary to destroy the machine before the world is destroyed by man-made catastrophes. In order to accomplish this, Frank, Casey and Athena must defeat Nix and his minions, which involves finding a way back to Tomorrowland, whose entrance has since been destroyed.

And so the stage is set for a blah blah climax that only Disney could conceive. And in the end, we get an optimistic It's a Small World reprise of sorts with a host of multi-ethnic young folk answering the call to become mankind's visionaries.

Okay, so I get Disney's agenda to leave us with an upbeat, cheery coda but I'm not sure how the army of Tomorrowlanders will deal with the REAL problems gripping our world. If I sound like an incorrigible cynic, that's because I am and no amount of young folk appearing in a wheat field with Tomorrowland in walking distance can convince me that creative imagineering is enough (though I guess it's at least a start). I'm all for celebrating and fostering ingenuity but what the film peddles seems more like Disney's all-you-can-eat lip-service with some platitudes one might buy in Epcot Center.

George Clooney's charisma keeps the film from completely sinking and he probably comes along just at the right time because Britt Robertson, with all her hysteric hamming, is too feeble a presence to carry the story.

The film isn't beaten into submission with CGI the way The Avengers is, which is one positive assessment I can make about the movie.

If the trailer seemed monotonous to you, you'll be pleased to find the movie isn't as bad as that but whether one wants to spend ten bucks to arrive at this revelation is a decision best left to you. That's right, folks; I have seen the future--more specifically Tomorrowland--and it looks like DisneyWorld with glassy towers. All the film needs is a Mickey Mouse with the advanced AI seen in Ex Machina to fully realize its true marketing potential.

The Longest Ride

**Spoiler Alert**

Director: George Tilman Jr./Starring: Scott Eastwood, Britt Robertson, Alan Alda, Melissa Benoist, Oona Chaplain, Jack Huston and Lolita Davidovitch

In this blog, I generally avoid bashing any film adapted from a Nicholas Sparks novel because I liken the experience to bullying a nun; it provides little challenge and it may be perceived as mean-spirited. But I couldn't grant George Tilman Jr.'s The Longest Ride free passage. I figured I'd let too many other Sparks adaptations escape ridicule and critical evisceration because, well...they're nuns.

I always feel sorry for any cast in a movie inspired by a Sparks novel. They have to utter shockingly bad dialogue and pretend the stories actually have conflict.

As most frequent movie-goers are aware by now, Hollywood has been desperate to reproduce The Notebook, though it is unconcerned how unapologetically formulaic and aggressively insipid other iterations may be. The Longest Ride (which feels like one), didn't really bore me; it made me laugh often, though it isn't a comedy. I tried hard to suppress giggles and keep my face-palms to a bare minimum but the movie was unaccommodating.

Let's face it, if you've seen The Notebook, you've seen George Tilman Jr.'s flick. It merely replaces Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams with Scott Eastwood and Britt "No, I'm not Jennifer Lawrence" Robertson and James Garner and Gena Rowlands with Alan Alda and well, nobody. Same story but with a few tweaks to make it appear it's a different movie.

In this "version", Scott Eastwood (bearing a scary resemblance to his old man) plays Luke Collins (the name couldn't be more Cowboy); a competitive bull-rider in the North Carolina rodeo circuit. Eastwood makes a very convincing rodeo competitor (come to think of it, Clint would have made one too, in his day) and is an ideal Sparks stud; tall, muscular, tough and always laconic.

During one of his competitions, a Wake Forest University sorority girl named Sophia Danko (Britt Robertson) is prodded to the rodeo by a gaggle of her sisters. After they watch Luke execute a successful ride, his hat escapes the ring and comes to rest near Sophia. He asks her to keep it, while she and her friends dreamily ogle the charismatic, young man.

At a local watering hole that evening, the two meet, and agree to a date. Sophia warns Luke her she is to begin an internship at a Manhattan art gallery soon, which may preempt their romance.

And what Nicholas Sparks story would be complete without an elderly person pining for a lost love, one forged in the distant past. That person is Ira Levinson (Alan Alda), a widower who spends his days missing his wife.

One night, while Luke and Sophia are driving home from a date, the two find Ira's car crashed into a tree. As Luke pulls Ira from the smoldering wreckage, Sophia retrieves a box resting in the front seat. Later, at the hospital, she discovers love letters Ira had once sent inside the box, which again, if you've seen The Notebook, you know where the story will lead.

We know Sophia will ask Ira about the letters and because his failing vision won't allow him access to the missives, she becomes his surrogate reader. And in reading them, we discover an old romance which, if you've seen other films of this ilk (and most people have), alerts us to how the story will be structured: Luke and Sophia's romance will play out against Ira's, which takes us back to the early 1940s', when he worked in his family's clothing store. A young woman named Ruth (Oona Chaplain); a newly arrived Austrian Jew who, with her mother and father, narrowly escaped the Nazis, wanders into the Levinson store. Young Ira (Jack Huston) sees Ruth and is instantly smitten. The two meet and before long the two become an item. After some heady dates and time together, their relationship is tested when Ira is drafted into the army.

I have to say the battle scenes, particularly one in which we watch Ira bravely rescue a comrade from no man's land are so visually uninspired they couldn't have passed muster on Hogan's Heroes. But that is an unfair knock; young girls and women who will make up the majority of the audience for the film can't be expected to care about Saving Private Ryan realism.

Knowing Luke's passion for bull-riding and Sophia's for art, how long do you think it will take for their respective worlds to clash? And is it any surprise that Luke's mom, Kate (Lolita Davidovitch, in a wisp of a character) pleas with her son to stop bull-riding, fearing something catastrophic? And is it any surprise that Sophia begins to hector him the same way, which elicits a response we heard coming from the opening credits: "I don't know how to do anything else."

If my feet weren't stuck in the molasses of Luke and Ruth's relationship, I was too busy chuckling at Ira and Ruth. I tried to ignore Oona Chaplain's (granddaughter of Charlie Chaplain) Austrian accent, which was as wide as the Danube. When she wasn't slinging her accent around, she was saying peculiar things. For instance, while gamboling along a North Carolina shore with Ira, Ruth exclaims ecstatically, "This is beginning to remind me of home." Strange thing to say, considering home meant fleeing the Nazis. And if running along a beach reminds her of home, what Austrian beach might she be missing exactly? Does the Danube have sandy shores I'm unaware of?

I can't imagine the American south was a Norman Rockwell halcyon in the 1940s as it's depicted in the film. No anti-Semitism anywhere?

The connective tissue between the couples of the past and present is art. Ruth and Sophia are both art lovers and a collection Ruth and Ira amass will figure prominently in the present.

It was darn tough to find anything in the film resembling conflict. Sure, Luke's bull-riding is an issue as is Ruth and Ira's inability to have children (Ira is wounded during the war, rendering him sterile). Their attempt to play parents to one of her students, whose home-life is a sad tale of neglect, comes closest to anything resembling sturm and drang. What real drama there is is so mild and tension-free the characters may as well be troubled by bad tummy aches and paper-cuts.

Tilman, who has done some fine work behind the camera (Notorious), is hamstrung with what is a typical Nicholas Sparks story. Even the visuals are stifled. It isn't surprising to see so many aerial tracking shots of the North Carolina country-side; they seem to be a fixture in most of these movies.

Aside from serviceable dialogue that hobbles the performances, there isn't a convincing exchange between any actors the film entire. Poor Melissa Benoist had to make her way through Danny Collins, only to end up in The Longest Ride, where the dialogue has scarcely improved.

Scott Eastwood certainly inherited his father's charisma (and a more rugged physique) but can't bring anything interesting to the role though he and the cast can't be blamed, the script must have read like a car maintenance manual.

The ending is an eye-roller and a major hoot. After Ira kicks the bucket, his and Ruth's substantially valuable art collection is willed to Luke and Sophia with an improbable proviso that brings a sappy two hours to a merciful close.

I highly recommend the film to women (or men) who might find the sight of Scott Eastwood's Adonis-like body worth a gander. Unfortunately for men (for these films are made mostly for women), Britt Robertson provides some but not much distraction from the silly drama playing out onscreen. Or if the sight of a doddering, sickly Alan Alda flicks your switch, then knock yourself out. Otherwise, there is little reason to see The Longest Ride.

I'm sure the next Nicholas Sparks adaptation is but a year away. I'm aquiver with anticipation.