The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

**Spoiler Alert**

Director: Peter Jackson/Starring: Ian McKellen, Martin Freeman, Richard Armitage, Luke Evans, Cate Blanchett, Orlando Bloom, Christopher Lee, Ian Holm and Billy Connolly

So we've come to the end of a trilogy, that quite frankly, is something of a non-event. I can't remember ever seeing a Jupiter-sized budgeted franchise with a plot predicated on adventure and thrills fail to deliver much in the way of...well...er...uh, adventure. The total expenditures for the trilogy--the latest estimates anyway--are close to $800 million. If I were to use a precious gem simile, I might say the series looks like a diamond but cuts like Cubic zirconia.

Peter Jackson's other trilogy was armed with bloated budgets but it delivered as promised. So much seemed at stake in Middle-Earth in those films. With The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies, I only felt impatience and relief that such a middling series was finally coming to an end.

The film is no cheap-jack production. With its turgid budget, one expects a film to at least meet high visual standards and it succeeds on that count admirably. In retrospect, as I thought about Laketown burning in the opening scene, I asked myself who really got torched; the citizens of that charred municipality or those of us who shelled out the scratch to sit through the flick? Yeah, I know Pete Jackson didn't coerce me into seeing his movie, but I had hoped the series might conclude satisfactorily and redeem the other film's mediocrity.

I can't imagine anyone would need a synopsis for a story so universally familiar. As one might expect, the Battle with Smaug carries the opening sequence. Bard the Guardsman (the charismatic Luke Evans) manages to free himself from Laketown's jail to take on the terrible dragon single-handedly. Unfortunately his arrows glance off Smaug's impenetrable, scaly chest. As the beast reduces the town to cinders, the legendary Black Arrow manages to find its way into Bard's hands via the desperate exertions of his son. Aware of the vulnerable spot on Smaug's nigh-impregable chest, he takes aim. We all know what happens next.

Meanwhile, the dwarves occupy Lonely Mountain. Thorin resists the company's and Bilbo's pleas that he satisfy the conditions of the dwarves' Laketown contract with the promised gold payment. The staggering cache of gold seduces Thorin, leaving him deaf to entreaty. Before long, the townspeople, lead by Bard himself and the Wood Elves, represented by Thranduil (Lee Pace) lay claim to part of the treasure, which creates a combustible situation which is hardly ameliorated by Gandalf's intervention.

Overcome with gold delirium, Thorin chooses war over the dwarves', woodelves' and the men's reasonable claims to a portion of the treasure. But as the armies assume battle positions outside the gates of Lonely Mountain, Thorin's hopelessly outnumbered company is joined by his cousin Dain's force, which arrives just as the battle is to commence. While the dwarves, former Laketown inhabitants and the woodelves wage war over the treasure, legions of orcs, lead by the brutish Azog, make their way to Lonely Mountain to forcefully establish their own claim to the treasure. And as the three armies' blades and arrows are drawn, Azog's invasion force arrives. After an initial melee, the orc army pivots to assault the abandoned town where the Laketown residents temporarily reside. Bard organizes the defense of the town as all armies clash, while Thorin and Bilbo race to the hill where Azog views the battle in an attempt to slay him; an act they hope will weaken the automatous orc army. The attempt on Azog's life leads to an inevitable showdown between Azog and Thorin, which shares screen-time with the battle at large. The various outcomes need not be mentioned here.

Aside from a few moments in the early battle and the impressive CGI we've come to expect from Jackson's Middle-Earth series, everything seems pro forma. Part of the problem is trying to feel the tension of battles already beautifully and excitingly depicted in the Rings Trilogy.

We've seen it all before. We've already seen the orcs and their nightmarish, mindless titans laying siege to bastions. Are we watching The Hobbit or The Lord of the Rings? I sometimes couldn't tell the difference.

The arrival of the Eagles in the novel was something miraculous, but in the film their appearance is anti-climactic, as are the goblins that arrive late to join the fray.

I never cared for the liberties Jackson visited on the story, such as Legolas' presence and the contrived romance between Kili (Aidan Turner) and Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly). I don't know why Jackson felt it necessary to connect The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings when each could have easily stood alone. Yes, there is a subtle connection in the books but nothing that would call for what Jackson perpetrates. I realize it isn't really that big a deal. My real beef is the story and how it fails to seduce us as Frodo's quest did for three epic-length films. And of course the criticism that Jackson split one novel into three films has always been a valid gripe.

Too bad, I thought as I left the theater, but also good riddance. I think I've had more than my fill of Middle-Earth. 6 epic-length films in thirteen years have worn me out. I feel I'm ready to retire to the Shire too.

I'm sure I'll revisit the Rings Trilogy again and again but as for this trilogy--I don't think so.

I think Jackson is a very talented director and I'm eager to see what he pursues next. I'm sure he's quite ready to move on, as we all must feel. I'm relieved Tolkien has nothing significant for Jackson or anyone else to adapt, though I wouldn't discount someone's ill-advised attempt to bring The Silmarillion to the screen.

As of this blog-post, the film's opening, worldwide receipts are somewhere in the neighborhood of $350 million--a number that will no doubt swell obscenely with more box office. I'm sure the millions have entranced MGM and New Line Cinema execs as the mountains of gold mesmerized Thorin. As the bromide goes; the end justifies the means...at least for the guys in suits.

If only those grosses had bought an absorbing experience.

Dracula Untold

**Spoiler Alert**

Director: Gary Shore/Starring: Luke Evans, Dominic Cooper, Sarah Gadon and Charles Dance

First feature director Gary Shore contributes his own vampire tale to a movie sub-genre that seems to be on the wane, only with more CGI screen filler to further deaden our senses. Dracula Untold isn't the lethally tedious gore opera the dreary previews promised, but like Dracula's victims, it lacks life and blood; figuratively speaking of course.

Luke Evans plays the infamous Vlad the Impaler, a Transylvanian who was forced to fight in the oppressive Turkish army in his youth but now rules his country. And like the historical figure who shares the same name, he delights in impaling his victims.

Vlad and his people live under the constant threat of the Turks, whose aggressive tendencies demand they conscript foreign youth into their armed services. As the Turks press Vlad for soldiers, he defies them, thereby incurring the Turkish leader Mehmed's (Dominic Cooper) wrath. After Prince Vlad dispatches a Turkish unit who comes to collect, he realizes his modest army is no match for Mehmed's forces, which are sure to mobilize after the prince's defiant act.

While the Turkish army assembles for an invasion, Vlad and some of his men scale a rocky mountain-side to reconnoiter. In doing so, they come upon a cave, where something vicious and animal-like kills several of his men. Before Vlad can escape, he sees the face of the killer; a man with an old, ravaged face.

As a Turkish force prepares to invade, Vlad becomes desperate, knowing his people cannot hold out for long against a numerically superior force. Fearing for his people and his son's capture, Vlad seeks out the vampiric creature he encountered in the cave; having witnessed his extraordinary speed and ferocity. As Vlad wanders inside, the man/creature (Charles Dance) comes to him. Vlad explains that he cannot protect his people from the Turks and seeks the power to do so. The vampire explains that once he is bitten, Vlad will have a great yearning for blood and if he feeds within three days, he will become a vampire forever. Seeing few alternatives, Vlad agrees. The vampire bites him, thereby transforming him. He warns Vlad of his susceptibility to anything silver and of course, daylight. Of course the vampire hopes Vlad will feed, which will liberate him from his curse.

As the Turkish army arrives to lay siege, Vlad returns to his people and they begin to realize something is amiss. One of his men notices his aversion to sunlight and begins to grow suspicious. When the Turks assault his castle, Vlad flies to the invading army by way of a CGI-generated swarm of bats and once there, uses his superhuman agility, speed and strength to lay waste to the Turkish army. But his defense is not entirely successful, for the Turks manage to invade his castle and make off with his son while also murdering his wife Mirena (Sarah Gadon). Heartbroken and angry, Vlad relocates the survivors to a castle high in the mountains.

Mehmed holds Vlad's son captive while organizing a larger invasion force. Vlad realizes he cannot oppose Mehmed's army all alone, which necessitates transforming some of his people into vampires, but in doing so, he violates the three-day feeding prohibition, which curses him but releases the master from his undead bondage.

Gathering a large vampire force to meet the enemy, Vlad takes the initiative against the Turkish army and Mehmed, who is well aware of whom he faces.

There are few surprises beyond what the trailer offers. Though this Dracula is compelled to become a vampire for altruistic purposes, little else is of interest in the story. And of course great silliness, abetted by anachronistic clothing and armor more medieval than Renaissance, Transylvanians and Turks who more resemble Anglo-Saxons than near Middle-easterners, and Vlad's kryptonite-like weakness in the presence of silver coins leave the film languishing in a cartoonish limbo.

Dracula Untold is a film I wish had been bad; one campy enough to be funny and maybe self-deprecating. But no, it's only ordinary. It seems to have been mid-wived into existence by a corporate committee with a let's-come-up-with-a-surefire-hit-but-confine-your-ideas-to-how-we-can-make-CGI-look-bitchin' agenda.

First-time director Gary Shore can hardly be blamed for what is essentially a costume/effects fantasy. It can't be classified as horror because it isn't frightening for a moment so let's assign it the moniker Opera of the Undead.

And can any $70 million dollar film simply be without a franchise lying in wait? The studios don't even wait to see box-office revenue anymore; they simply forge ahead with sequels and hope that product familiarity takes hold. The original Star Wars spawned a trilogy because the first film was an unqualified success, which justified expenditures for a saga. Now, even box-office receipts are irrelevant. As long as a movie can sustain sequels, it must, irrespective of artistic vision or commercial success.

I guess this is good news for the cast, especially Luke Evans; whose charisma and talent could better serve a better film. If you would prefer to see the film yourself, then I advise streaming, which shouldn't really detract from its modest visual ambitions. If my take on the film has spooked you into avoiding its big-screen mode, then all the better. You could just have easily taken paper currency from your pocket and let them be carried away in a gust. That might be a better application of one's funds.

Stick that in your coffin, Drac.