Ben Hur (2016)

**Spoiler Alert**

Director: Timur Bekmambetov/Starring: Jack Huston, Toby Kebbell, Morgan Freeman, Rodrigo Santoro, Pilou Asbaek, Ayelet Zurer and Sofia Black-D'Elia

I've lost count of all the Ben-Hur film adaptations in the 20th and 21st centuries but let's face it; the gold standard still remains the 1925 film version, which starred Ramon Novarro though most people regard William Wyler's grandiose but fun 1959 iteration as the real deal. Taking on Lew Wallace's famous story now is Russian/Kazakh director Timur Bekmambetov; who gave us the incomparable Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (did you catch the heavy sarcasm?). I suppose Bekmambetov (let's just call him Bek hereafter, shall we?) won't be the last director to adapt the Wallace's book but I wish he were. After Wyler's film, did we really need all the versions that followed, including the animated flick in 2003?

If you were lucky enough to avoid the trailer, you missed the almost imperceptible groans heard throughout the theater. The trailer promised neither excitement nor a moving re-imagining. What one saw was another unnecessary interpretation; cast with actors who looked better suited to playing in a boy band than adversaries in ancient Judea. As you may have heard, box-office receipts were tragically minuscule (gee, how did that happen?) so audiences obviously shared my trepidation. But they, unlike me, had the good sense to lay their green paper elsewhere. So why did I bother? I just had to, folks; I couldn't help myself. I like a chariot-wreck as much as the next chariot-race enthusiast.
Needless to say, Bek's film is dull, silly, often dopey yet one or two scenes almost worked. Almost.

Set in 25 C.E. (no more A.D.), Jack Huston (yes, from the Hollywood Huston dynasty) plays the titular Ben-Hur. Though most of us are well aware of the story, the viewer will find it has been revised somewhat. Messala (Toby Kebbell), is a Roman officer in former adaptations while in Bek's version, he is a Roman orphan adopted by the house of Ben-Hur; making him Judah's step-brother. This, of course, goes a long way to explaining their otherwise unlikely connection.

Early on, we see the brotherly rivalry that defines their mostly loving relationship. While engaged in (literal) horseplay, their dangerously vigorous equine race prefigures their perilous chariot race later in the movie.

A weak, romantic angle has been worked into the story as both young men pursue some of the local Jewish tootsies. I had a hard time drawing a distinction between Judah's sister Tirzah (Sofia Black D'Elia) and the other women in the film. An insipid sameness afflicts the women; rendering them extraneous, pointless characters.

The story then follows a more traditional course as the two men suddenly find their lives working at cross purposes. While Jewish zealots resist Roman Rule, which threatens the uneasy peace between the native population and the occupiers, Judah tries a more conciliatory tack, as he tries to steer the malcontents away from violent protest.

We see Messala join the Roman army, seeking the fortune he hopes will impress his love at home. While Messala campaigns with a legion in Germania, Judah tends to his life of wealth and prestige in his Judean community. But as he sees his Jewish brethren become more impatient with Roman rule, he makes the acquaintance of a Jewish carpenter who preaches the virtues of loving one's neighbor--and enemies--named Jesus (played with Biblical indifference by Rodrigo Santoro, who woefully lacks a messiah's presence). To the film's credit, watching Jesus actually use carpenter's tools is one moment of originality. Usually in films, we only see Jesus standing on a rock, preaching to a gathering of shepherds and hippy-esque Judeans. His message to Judah is so vapidly touch-feely, it's a wonder Ben-Hur doesn't say, "yeah, well, I think I hear Moses calling; I got to go."

Of course we know Messala's return, which happens to coincide with more militant acts of zealot mayhem, will be a major bummer for Judah. Caught between his step-brother's allegiance to the oppressive Roman occupiers and his own cultural imperatives, the two men find themselves hostile adversaries. Messala asks Judah to calm the people during the Roman prefect Pontius Pilate's visit to Judea. Judah is reluctant though the tension in Judea reaches a critical mass when a zealot chooses to kill a Roman officer during the army's procession through town. Though he escapes, Judah claims responsibility in a moment of self-sacrifice (a very Christ-like act, no?), which invites the angry enmity of his brother and the Roman authorities. Messala orders his step-mother and step-sister to be taken away while he consigns his step-brother to abject servitude aboard a Roman ship.

Judah is forced to join the ranks of rowers who sweat and suffer below decks but a clash with Mediterranean pirates causes the destruction of the ship on which he serves; leaving him floating helplessly on logs which suspiciously resemble a cross. From an aerial point-of-view, we see Judah resting on the cross beam; the shot unmistakably a mock crucifix. Any chance we're supposed to draw a connection?

Rather than rescue a Roman officer as in previous interpretations, Judah washes ashore in what must be Jamaica. Why Jamaica? Because the man who rescues him; Ilderim (Morgan Freeman; his appearance in the film an unanswerable riddle) resembles a Rastafarian. Ilderim even sports natty dreads. I asked myself; did the Romans colonize Jamaica too?

Ilderim threatens to fink on the castaway until Judah convinces him otherwise. It also helps that Judah is able to help Ilderim's ailing, white, Arabian horse, which is one of four he keeps for the chariot races. In time, Judah earns Ilderim's friendship and trust while training the horses for the races. Ilderim convinces Judah the best of way to oppose Rome is to defeat Messala in the chariot races. Judah agrees.

Meanwhile, Judah's sister and mother rot in a prison; their leprosy a horrid consequence of Messala's hateful vindictiveness. Judah's thirst for vengeance grows as the imperial races approach.

The race comes, and if anything is certain, it's the outcome, which I need not mention. I will say that it was done well, as the line between CGI and live action was expertly blurred. Liberties were taken with the actual race, for Pontius Pilate attends as kind of an Emperor-surrogate, urging Messala on. A moment of unintentional comedy takes place during the race when Messala asks Judah; "are we having fun yet, brother?" Are you kidding me? If you're going to utter an anachronistic taunt, then why not something more cold-blooded, like "are you feeling me, bitch?" The film is overrun with modern expressions.

Messala survives the race, which leads to a hokey, heart-warming reconciliation; clearing the way for the finale on Golgotha, where Jesus endures needless torture and Judah's mother and sister wash themselves with divine rainfall, which clears up their skin considerably; even better than Clearasil could.

The most I can say about the film is that it's competent. It looks sufficiently ancient-Judea-like and the costumes are imaginatively designed though they look a little too modern at times. In one scene, Judah appears to be in jeans, while one of the women wears what look like white slacks.

Huston and Kebbell make an earnest attempt to play hoary characters but the listless script and even more listless direction can't rescue them from what is an out and out bomb. They aren't entirely to blame; after all, who really wanted to see another 21st Century retelling? Definitely not me. Some, if not all movies, are better off not being re-imagined. Hear that, makers of the forthcoming Magnificent Seven?

In Bek's telling, he reaches for something less grandeur and more earthbound, which is a good impulse but it proves ineffective. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter didn't work too well either. So it goes. Maybe this box office defeat will discourage future productions, unless someone chooses to reinterpret the story as a comedy. That could be fun. But for now, I've had enough of Judah Ben-Hur and his leprous family.