Mortdecai

**Spoiler Alert**

Director: David Koepp/Starring: Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor, Paul Bettany, Olivia Munn and Jeff Goldblum

Based on the novel series by author Kyril Bonfiglioli, Mortdecai is a comedy about a relatively famous British art dealer who has fallen on hard times and is given an opportunity to rehabilitate his reputation by undertaking an assignment to recover a stolen Goya painting for MI6 and hence, the British government. Johnny Depp plays the title character, which gives him the opportunity to affect a British accent (Hasn't he done this an awful lot in his career?).

Lord Mortdecai's reputation in the art world is shaky at best and he isn't beyond selling patent fakes, which naturally invites collector's wrath and scorn.

When the story begins, Lord Mortdecai, or "Charlie" as he is known, and his wife Johanna (the ever-underwhelming Gwyneth Paltrow) have fallen on hard times, which means selling off prized paintings in his collection and his beloved Rolls Royce. To cause his wife further dismay, he has taken to wearing a pretentious, Victorian-esque mustache that curls upward at the ends. A running gag is the revulsion that overcomes Johanna whenever she kisses her husband. The retching that follows the kiss is supposed to be funny but it isn't amusing and even less so when the gag is trotted out several more times throughout the film.

Mortdecai is visited one day by the head of MI6, who also happens to be an old schoolmate from Oxford named Martland (Ewan McGregor). Martland hopes to enlist Mortdecai's help in finding a Goya that went missing during a restorative cleaning. It becomes known to the audience that Martland has always been in love with Johanna, which hardly endears him to Mortdecai. The thief is known to be a terrorist, though Martland is puzzled as to why said terrorist would want the painting. Mortdecai agrees to help his old classmate but only after some coaxing by Martland, who tries to appeal to his sense of patriotism.

Mortdecai's houseman and bodyguard, Jock (Paul Bettany; probably the only mildly amusing character in the movie) accompanies him in his search, which brings them into contact with unsavory figures in the art world.

As their search leads them abroad, it comes to light that a number was written on the back of the painting; placed there by Herman Goering, who once had the Goya in his possession. The number is a numerical key to a treasure cache resting in a Swiss bank that the terrorist intends to use to finance his organization's operations.

Most bad comedies manage to elicit one chuckle, if not a guffaw from the viewer but not here. I think one might find more reasons to chuckle watching Foxcatcher than Mortdecai. I also think the producers (Depp among them) probably felt the accent and the mustache alone would do all the comedic work, with Depp's British affectations buttressing his performance. Unfortunately they don't. And they aren't funny in and of themselves. With most of the other characters playing the straight-men (with the exception of Jock), we have to turn to Mortdecai for the comedic cues.

Also not funny or interesting is Martland's repeated attempts to steal Johanna away from Mortdecai. A cameo by Olivia Munn as the nymphomaniac daughter of a rival art dealer named Kramf (Jeff Goldblum) goes nowhere, though she turns out to be in cahoots with the terrorist.

As the story leads to a climactic auction house sequence where all parties are involved in the sale of the Goya painting, I found myself impatient for the film to end. I had truly grown tired of not-laughing.

Maybe a more capable director or screenwriter could have wrung some laughs out of the silliness, or maybe the character just isn't that funny. Depp certainly doesn't mind playing ridiculous people but there is something vaguely over-familiar about Lord Mortdecai. Why does if feel as if we've seen this character somewhere before?

I would have liked to see someone like David Niven in this role. I think he would have brought more warmth and color--and more of his signature wit and charm, to the story. And if all Paltrow can lend to the movie are her tallness and blondness, then why not cast a female with strong, comedic ability instead; someone who can be an affective foil to Depp?

Where and how it all ends doesn't really matter. Anyone who has seen the unprepossessing trailer can guess what happens. I truly hope I don't see a trailer in 2016 for Mortdecai 2. That would be tragic. Let's hope we've seen the last of that mustache.