The Boy Next Door

**Spoiler Alert**
Recently, it came to light that North Korean hackers had broken into corporate computer files of Sony, which contained private, inter-office correspondence. The culprits targeted Executives and personnel in order to cause embarrassment and thwart the release of the film The Interview, which portrayed North Korean culture and more specifically, leader Kim Jong-un in a very unflattering light. More embarrassing for Sony were the internal, inter-office e-mails and memos that betrayed critical and often mildly insulting views of film industry figures.
Unknown to the general public, Universal Pictures was also the target of a separate and very recent cyber-break-in but for reasons unknown. And like Sony, UP executive memoranda and e-mail were also leaked to the media and the general public. But unlike its competitor, Universal was able to suppress the more humiliating and compromising messages; keeping potentially incriminating or humiliating information from coming to light.
Until now. Al's Omniflick has recently come into possession of some of said files (with the helpful intercession of Edward Snowden) and will post them forthwith.
It goes without saying that said information exposes this blog to legal retribution and will most likely invite the fury of the NSA. Let it be known that Al's Omniflick willingly risks such peril to bring you the following inter-office and executive/producer correspondence pertaining to the film The Boy Next Door; directed by Rob Cohen and starring Jennifer Lopez, Kristin Chenoweth, John Corbett, Ryan Guzman and Ian Nelson.

February, 6, 2014

RE: The Boy Next Door

Larry,

I think we need to give the movie the green-light. When my intern, Mary Towne (you know the type; brainy USC film school grad), pitched the premise, she envisioned the lead character of Claire Peterson as a "psychologically-intricate, Hitchcockian, every-woman who is the victim of the male ID. I think the e-mail I sent her emphasizing the need to make the character accessible and uncomplicated paid off (though she wasn't happy about it!)

Any word on who might play Claire?

Let me know,

Mitch

Mitch Mugglum
Project Development Director
Universal Pictures
UniMug@unipic.com

February 7, 2014

RE:Boy

Hey Mitch,

I hear you on the "Mary" thing. These liberal interns always get some ambitious hair in their fannies whenever they talk about character development. I think threatening to replace her did the trick. These chicks; where do they come from?

Anyway, regarding casting. We got what we asked for when I suggested--demanded--someone who looks great in a tight pencil skirt. I suggested Kim Kardashian but then an extraordinary thing happened; Jennifer Lopez agreed to co-produce and accept the lead role. I thought, wow; not only do we get someone who can fill a pencil skirt; we also get someone who has no problem playing someone so one-dimensional. In fact, the e-mail she sent me demanded that we eliminate any and all nuance pertaining to her character. She's such a sport! And all she asked of the director Rob Cohen is that he profile her butt often and that he not capture her lips without requisite gloss. I assured her it would be no problem. She's great, isn't she? None of that quibbling over characters being real people you might get with a Kate Winslet or Juliette Binoche. Thank goodness for uncomplicated characters!

Looking forward to this project and what you have to say.

Best,

Larry

Larry Dirchrake
Project Development Co-Director Universal Pictures
UniRake@unipic.com

February 15, 2014

RE:RE:Boy

Larry, sorry it's taken me a spell to return your message. I was too busy arranging a Valentine's Day/Welcome aboard diamond broach gift for Jen. I'm glad we have a discretionary budget for pampering stars. That pesky intern I mentioned had the gall to question the expense, asking why we didn't spend the money on production. Can you believe the cheek of this chick?! Spending $3,000 of the film's budget on a gift for someone with Jen's prodigious talents is a no-brainer.

I wanted to let you know I've seen the final script and have given it my seal of approval--as has Jen.

The plot is rather simple; a sexy divorcee (played by our Jen), who teaches high-school English, has recently parted ways with her husband Garrett (John Corbett--we couldn't find anyone else to take on a character another actor who read for the part called "a thankless but necessary role for anyone needing to make a mortgage payment." Don't worry, that actor is finished in this town!).

Their son, Kevin (to be played by Ian Nelson. Once again, a young punk reading for the role asked: "do I have to play the character like the spineless dweeb he appears to be on page?" Again, he too will never read for a part in this town again.)

So, as Claire and Kevin try to persevere in their husbandless/fatherless household, a handsome young stud named Noah Sandborn (Ryan Guzman--the annoying intern called his character "mentally enfeebled beefcake." Yeah, I know; she's gone when this product is in the can) moves in next door to help his aging, physically frail uncle. After he meets Kevin and Claire, he becomes a friend to the family; taking the under-confident Kevin under his wing. He even helps Kevin to approach one of the school's beauties to ask her to the dance.

Soon, Noah becomes part of Claire and Kevin's sphere. One night, while Claire is standing near her bedroom window, she catches the sight of Kevin nude through the window next door. Unable to turn her eyes away from the high school Adonis, he catches her watching him then encourages her voyeuristic impulses further.
As Kevin and Noah's friendship develops, Claire tries to move on from her failed marriage. After being encouraged to date by her best friend Vicky Lansing (Kristen Chenoweth--she was dying to play something that wasn't on Broadway, I'll bet), who also happens to be the the Assistant Principal at her school, Claire forges ahead. One particular date ends badly when the her companion expresses his disdain for Claire's attempts to teach students something impractical, like literature, which he regards as waste of time. Excusing herself from the date, she heads home to drown her disappointment in a bottle of wine.

Unbeknownst to Claire, her comings and goings have been monitored by the stud next door and after concocting a flimsy pretext to visit her next door, Claire reluctantly agrees. The two chat briefly then Noah makes a move on Claire. And though she tries to resist, her inebriated, vulnerable state impairs her judgement, making her susceptible to his seduction.

I guess I've gone on a bit. What do you think so far?

Mitch

Mitch Mugglum
Project Development Director
Universal Pictures
UniMug@unipic.com

February 16, 2014

RE:RE:RE:Boy

Mitch,

Thank you for sending me the script. Looks great! Sounds like a major hit. And so thought-provoking! Everything works for me but we need to make sure we see enough of Jen's body to draw the male demographic. I know she has nudity clause in her contract but she also wants to be sure her rump is given a cast credit, if you know what I mean.

You need to do something about that intern of yours; her incisive, logical comments are no help. She asked me why Claire has to wear lip-gloss in every scene and worse, she asked if Claire knows she could conceivably be classed as a sex offender if it became known she had sex with one of the students at her school. I'm fed up with these quibbles.

Sigh.

I found the Fatal-Attraction angle (hackneyed cliche, Mary says) to be fresh and fun. When Claire rebuffs Noah's further attempts to have sex, it is great that his psycho nature goes into overdrive. I particularly liked the scene where Claire steps into her classroom, only to find the printer is spitting out pictures of she and Noah having sex. The subsequent scene of Claire frantically gathering the pictures from the floor and wall while her class waits outside the classroom is amazing (not so, says Mary; who thinks it a weak attempt at suspense).

Meanwhile, Noah has also become Kevin's Svengali. He turns Kevin against his father and completes his tour-of-menace by targeting Garrett and Vicky Lansing for violent attacks.

Good job with the script. I can't wait to see it onscreen.

Best,

Larry

Larry Dirchrake
Project Development Co-Director Universal Pictures
UniRake@unipic.com

The intervening e-mail correspondence was lost. The thread picks up in January 2015.

January 23, 2015

Subject: The Boy Next Door!

Larry,

I think we can congratulate ourselves on a project well done. I can't wait to see the opening weekend receipts, which I'm sure will be gargantuan.

I was glad to rid myself of the intern Mary Towne. This release should teach her to second guess two film industry colossi like us. I found it funny that she wanted her name removed from the credits. Will do! Looking forward to hearing from you on Monday.

Until Monday,

Mitch

Mitch Mugglum
Project Development Director
Universal Pictures
UniMug@unipic.com

January 26, 2015

RE:The Boy Next Door

Mitch,

Well, the numbers aren't what we had hoped for and the critics (though I care little for their two-cents) found an occasion to unleash their dogs.

Some critics complained that the story offered no surprises whatsoever. They called the ending predictable and the story "the destitute man's Fatal Attraction." I thought the performances were straight out of London's Globe Theater but those damn critics disagreed. Their was almost a consensus on how serviceable Jennifer Lopez was and how Noah could have been played by any physical trainer with a tasteful coif. Very cruel critiques indeed. They don't know how hard we work to bring these films to the screen and how we strain our brains to come up with intellectually challenging material. And have you read the review by that smart-ass blogger at Al's Omniflick; the one who said that "if Jennifer Lopez can play a Literature teacher, then Vin Diesel should be cast as a Nobel Prize-winning Theoretical Physicist who teaches at M.I.T?" Can you believe that comment? He also dismissed the film as "something conceived by a committee of jackasses with impoverished imaginations." We should sue.

Needless to say, I'm very angry.

Larry

Larry Dirchrake
Project Development Co-Director Universal Pictures
UniRake@unipic.com

January 27, 2015

RE:RE:The Boy Next Door

Larry,

Never mind what a bunch of critics and some wise apple blogger has to say. Our movie will stand the test of time. Let's move on and count our earnings.

Hey, before I go, I wanted to comment on something you mentioned in your last e-mail. That Al's Omniflick annoyance may have inadvertently provided us a treatment for our next production.

Vin Diesel as a theoretical physicist...hmmmm. Let's run with it...

Mitch

Mitch Mugglum
Project Development Director
Universal Pictures
UniMug@unipic.com

NOTE: The preceding e-mail exchanges and this post are fictitious and satirical; as are the names and identities of Universal Pictures personnel. North Korean hackers never targeted Universal Pictures nor have any of the company's files been compromised(As far as I know).

Director: Rob Cohen/Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Kristin Chenoweth, John Corbett, Ryan Guzman and Ian Nelson