50 Shades of Grey

**Spoiler Alert**

Director: Sam Taylor-Johnson/Starring: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Jennifer Ehle and Marcia Gay Harden

At long last, Hollywood has made a pseudo-erotic movie for the Hobbit/Hunger Games demographics; one that's sure to offend no-one, even Muslim jihadists. Minor pre-release hysteria gripped parts of the the world, where Malaysia and Kenya banned the film, though after watching it, I find myself furrowing my brow in puzzlement. I can't imagine even a randy teenager would be titillated by such a timid, mechanically-plotted slog that makes your average, interminable wait at the DMV seem like a Bacchanalian orgy.

E.L. James novel, an international sensation (though I have yet to meet anyone who has read the book-or will admit to it), has sold over a 100 million copies. I have no idea what the book is like, but if the print version is anything like the potent soporific director Sam Taylor-Johnson's film adaptation has proven to be, then I'll politely pass on it and devote my finite time on Earth to reading something more engaging.

It almost seems pointless to synopsize the story but what the heck. Dakota Johnson plays Anastasia Steele; an English literature major at Washington State, who agrees to fill in for her ill roommate Kate (Eloise Mumford) to interview the young, telecommunications titan Christian Grey for the school paper.

When she arrives at Grey's building, we see that her dowdy get-up contrasts sharply with the Gestapo-like, sartorially-precise female staff, with their tight pony-tails and creaseless, no-nonsense business skirts.

Anastasia's first contact with Christian begins with a tumble (too contrived) when she first enters his office. Even worse is the interview that follows. Even though we're supposed to recognize the immediate attraction between them, it is more suggested than depicted. A bland exchange follows which is supposed to give us a hint about Christian's dominant personality when he says "I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele." One would hope for a little more darkness and menace from someone who will later reveal his outre taste in foreplay but Christian mostly comes off as an uptight CEO rather a person with secrets.

In days following their initial meeting, Anastasia finds her mind preoccupied with everything Christian as the two begin volleying e-mails.

Christian begins to shower gifts on Anastasia, like rare, first edition books and helicopter rides and as what seems like a Cinderella-romance burgeons and intensifies, she learns he has no interest in a conventional relationship. And in what is supposed to be a pivotal moment in the film and in the relationship, he shares his putative, dark secret; his passion for sado-masochistic sex (though for Christian, it's more the Sado part). His taste in controlled, violent sex is supposed to consistent with his need to control people.

Let's face it, the real reason anyone is interested in the film and these characters is Christian's sexual chamber of horrors, which aren't horrors at all but just a room full of S&M appurtenances and a bed. To director Taylor-Johnson and screenwriter Kelly Marcel's credit, Anastasia doesn't recoil in fear and revulsion at the sight of whips and ropes; instead, she shows a healthy curiosity. But the mystery and the hint of danger the moment needs is sorely lacking. For all the scene's tepidness, he may as well be showing Anastasia his Lord of the Rings figurines. Maybe Taylor-Johnson wanted the scene to play that way; to make Christian's secret seem mundane, but that plays as boring onscreen. I was hoping (unrealistically so) for a moment more like the secret society scenes in Eyes Wide Shut; something forbidden, or at least something to give us a jolt.

But it isn't Christian's sexual interests that trouble Anastasia; it's his need to control her whole life and to be a presence in it at all times of the day.
When Anastasia informs Christian that she is to visit her mother in Georgia on the day following a party he's thrown at his place (strange that she would wait until the day before to share such an important fact with him), he surprises--and annoys her--when he flies out to see them.

Frustrated with the lack of normality in the relationship, Anastasia tries to fathom the reasons behind his need to control. His zeal is such that he even asks her to sign a document--a contract of sorts--agreeing to be his submissive, to which she agrees, albeit with misgivings.

In exploring Christian's psychological make-up, the story (and the character itself) stumble into eye-rolling silliness. Though the fact that Christian was abused as a child (which explains the mysterious scars on his torso) might reasonably account for his desire to control, it is too pat a psychological explanation for his lifestyle. The explanation also stigmatizes it inadvertently. I was hoping for something less explicitly stated or more original than what seems like a psychological default setting in films.

When Christian and Anastasia finally partake of the pleasures of his secret room, it all plays exactly as one might expect. There is nudity, though it is all bashfully filmed (shots of private parts are discreetly avoided--mostly). For a film that is supposed to be so erotically charged, it never strays beyond diffidence. Instead of being a story about the transition from innocence to experience and all the complicated psychological demands that come with it, the film is more about just getting naked and being tied up a bit. And though it is supposed to be the film's major selling point, the nudity we see is hopelessly confused with eroticism. That distinction is key.

Eventually, Anastasia tires of Christian's refusal to engage in the even the most minor aspects of relationship-building and even what's supposed to be steamy sex doesn't help. Though Christian tells Anastasia at one point that she is changing him, we never see any evidence to substantiate his claim. He remains stubbornly devoted to control and his character becomes a one note, discordant hum. Anastasia isn't much better. After being introduced to the more mysterious, exotic side of human sexuality and personal control, it's only impact on her is revealed as a need for self-determination. That's fine, but will she carry any trace of the S&M experience in her psyche? We don't know; her own personality and psychology remain as thin as a nickel.

The casting choices have long been criticized and the complaints are valid. Were Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan the best the casting director could do? I'm sure every young A-List actor and actress in Hollywood shied away from what they probably felt might send their careers into cardiac arrest. I don't blame them. But maybe the actors shouldn't shoulder all the blame. The script and story cry out for provocation and risk. But Dornan and Johnson bring too much plainness to the table. And what of Jennifer Ehle and Marcia Gay Harden? I don't know, their respective characters demanded that they be smiling mommies, nothing more.

Two years ago, the erotic French film Blue is the Warmest Color won the top prize at Cannes and garnered lofty, critical praise. It earned it. The French aren't so tentative about sex and the fascination of relationship psychology. Blue was ferociously sexy, passionate, daring and it's no accident that the relationship it examined was rich and worthy of exploration. I thought a lot about Abdellatif Kechiche's film while watching 50 and believe me, Taylor-Johnson's film suffers in any comparison.

The film is such is an easy target, so what did I expect? To answer my semi-rhetorical question, not much...but as always, I hoped.

I was also hoping for a lot of unintentional laughs but it failed there as well. You may or not be interested to know I actually dozed during one of the film's sex scenes. So it goes.

SPECIAL NOTE TO PARENTS: If you were thinking about taking your Girl or Boy Scout troop to see the film, I won't dissuade you. The film certainly won't shock them. In fact, the film might serve as useful--and educational--instruction in the mechanics of human reproduction.*
But it's up to you to explain the whips and ropes.

*I'm only kidding; I won't be held accountable if you're dumb enough to take Boys and Girls Scouts to see the movie.